Through the sylvan woodlands to the mountains high
Travel where the far horizon truly touched the sky
I wander with no purpose that is known to mortal man
because they would not comprehend my evil Master Plan....
I'll kidnap a princess for ransom,
I'll overthrow the king
I'll clear out the royal treasury
And I'll steal the One True Ring
I'll cut down the magic forest
Want a toothpick anyone?
I'll kill the kingdom's defender
And then I'll start my fun!
(yes, I did play fair with others... before)
I know that nothing's perfect, although I trust my plan
I do not trust this bard here because sometimes I hear problems with
the rhyme scheme and how it scans
I know the world's my playground and I'll prove it by my deeds
And when I'm done I'll celebrate with tasty ales and meads
I'll make goblins wreck the township
I'll make the maidens weep
I'll herd up the women and children
And then I'll rape the sheep
I'll poison the air and water
Hey buddy, have a drink
You better start begging for mercy
Before you start to stink!
(phew! Guard! Stick this peasant in the showers!)
I've laid my basic network, communications work
My distribution centers are all hidden safe in murk
My hirelings are loyal although they aren't too bright
I pay them every weekday and they blow it all by night
I'll stage a religious rebellion
I'll blow up special stores
I'll tie up the local lawman
And pelt him with apple cores
I'll summon demons and devils
Here's the contract, wanna sign?
I'll just mislead the Hero
And then the world is Mine!
(What do you mean, I still have to pay property taxes?)
My Plan was truly killer, I should have ruled the world
But the Hero did defeat me, into the ocean I was hurled
For now my glory's over but I'll not cede defeat
I have a brand new Master Plan I think is pretty neat
I'll seduce the local midwife
I'll recruit the local brave
I'll add something into the water
That'll make you my zombie slave
I'll hijack the ship full of cargo
Just look at all this wine!
And this time it'll be perfect
And my star is gonna shine!
(Hero voice) Not so fast, buster.
(EO voice) Damn! Caught again!
Jacob Sommer
July 13, 2000