How to Own Your Human
Performance notes:
I sang this in the "Beauties & Beasts" concert at Boskone 38, and discovered that the spoken bits take up about three extra measures. It might be better to have someone else make the comments "behind" the sung line — and different voices would be neat.ttto "This is Not the Way to Get Laid" by Leslie Fish
Listen and I'll tell you, it's no cheat
If you want good food to eat
Don't assume you deserve those treats
This is not the way to get fed.Don't ignore those human calls
While you're out a-chasing jingle balls
Or get into such noisy brawls
This is not the way to be cute. [hissing, spitting, yowling]Don't play the cool sophisti-"cat"
To show how bored you are.
Sitting on the wrong side of the door
Just won't get you very far. [In or out, princess?]Don't skip washing, do it now
So that you'll be the cat's meow
You'll just have to do it anyhow
Or else you're on the way to a bath. [hey, wait, there's WATER in there!]And when a lap comes into view
Don't let instinct speak for you.
Sticking your butt up her nose won't do
This is not the way to get scritched. [oh, YUCK!]Don't spill that pan of litter out
Upon her new-washed floor.
Getting gravel in her toes
Just will cause a mighty roar! [I know how to cook you, Cat!]Just be cute when you begin
Headbutt the human with your chin.
Don't let them know where your tongue has been
This is not the way to be loved. [I've been drinking out of the toilet, aren't you proud?]You know they love to stroke your bod
But your purrs are not a quid pro "cod"
Not since Egypt have you been god
This is not the way to be served. [And would her highness like some meat-by-product pate?]They won't let you stay in the bed
Just because you're you.
No-one cares what you think or feel
Unless they have good reason to... [Hairballs! Bad kitty!]So stay well groomed and clean your paws
When the humans see you, obey their laws.
Your pets will be like Santa Claus
And wait upon you hand and foot.Stay friendly kitten, they'll all be smitten
Yeah, that is the way to stay fed!
copyright 2001 by Nyani-Iisha Martin, Jacob Sommer, Rachel Silverman